lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
