Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Are my feet made of real feet?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize