My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
