Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Randomize
