OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
