I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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