nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
