we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
