He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
