last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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