I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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