i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
