Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
