alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
