Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
