i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
