so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
