even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize