I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
