im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
