Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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