btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
