im drinking this country out of the recession.
Can Purell be used as lube?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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