Define "chronic" masturbator.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
