He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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