You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
