Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
