The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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