last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
