Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
