I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
