she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
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