I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
