I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
