So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
