Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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