Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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