it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
