I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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