Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I think my moral compass just broke
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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