# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Green mimosas i think yes
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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