I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
