the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Randomize
