sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
