I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
