I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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