I wish I only lived at night.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
