I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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