don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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