You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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