the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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