It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
