the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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