he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
