is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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