I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I have fence marks all over my body
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
