At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
